Less Dead Than Expected

The Disassociated Press
Le Morte, Texas

Fan's expectations rose today, on news that Michael Jackson's corpse is decomposing at a slower rate than expected. "Though, there is no word yet on when a comeback tour can be expected, Michael is definitely showing signs of recovering", said a close family friend.

Obama is said to be looking forward to the pop star's comeback and is planning to unveil a stimulus package to overcome the effects the powerful pain killers that are said to have ended the pop star's life.

"This is not the time for half-measures.", said Obama in a news conference Monday morning, "If we want to see Michael dance again, then we can not give into the naysayers, and those that see the glass as only half full."

Obama unveiled the 2.8 trillion dollar plan, before lawmakers in a thrilling late night session on Friday.

When asked if spending alone is enough to wake the dead, Obama replied, "We're already seeing signs that this works in our current bailout plan. One of my alternative energy proposals will be looking into harnessing the energy of our founding fathers, that researchers have shown, to be spinning in their graves."