The Divination of Witches

Waterboarding, our newest weapon in the fight against terrorism has a long a colorful history. It's been used for centuries to successfully extract confessions from witches and other enemies of whatever power structure was in control.

Through the use of waterboarding, many thousands of witches, warlocks and other heretics have confessed to the their crimes, and put given their proper due. And for such a heinous crime such as witchcraft, torture is the only means by which to reliably extract a confession. After all, a fake Christian that has been having sex with Satan is unlikely to admit it, except under extreme distress. A real Christian will die before betraying his or her faith under extreme torture.

Here's Wikipedia on WaterBoarding

In the medieval form of waterboarding, a victim was strapped to a board and tipped back or lowered into a body of water until he or she believed that drowning was imminent. The subject was then removed from the water and revived. If necessary the process was repeated.

Although in a technical sense there are actually several other forms of water-based interrogation, all variants have in common that the victim reliably almost drowns but is rescued or re-animated by his captor just before death occurs. The technique is designed to be both psychological and physical. The psychological effect is inherent in the fact that the victim is given to understand that he shall be killed outright by dint of enforced drowning unless his cooperation as demanded is indeed produced promptly. This perception reinforces the interrogator's control and gives the victim sound cause to experience mortal fear.

The physical effects are extreme pain and damage to the lungs, brain damage caused by oxygen deprivation and sometimes broken bones because of the restraints applied to the struggling victim. The psychological effects can be long lasting.

The history and success in waterboarding witches, clearly makes this torture technique a reliable means to divine whether someone is a terrorist or not.

And besides, after we buy a suspected terrorist from some third world para-military unit for up to a million dollars, you can bet that person is guilty. Just like in the old days, when witches were given up for ransoms.

Of course, once we have a suspect, it's clear the suspect is guilty, unless he or she dies under torture, of course. So torturing a witch or a terrorism suspect is perfectly reasonable and such evil people, clearly don't merit kind treatment.

And why stop with waterboarding. There were many other tortures employed to successfully divine whether a person was a witch or not. Why not use them on suspected terrorists?

We could bring back thumbscrews, the rack, iron maidens, painful amputations, immolations, rats, dogs, etc... Think of the fun the Bush crew could have thinking up new ways to make people confess to terrorism.

And why stop there? We could bring back witchcraft trials too. Public dunkings, hangings, beheadings and immolations, could be a wonderful way to bring people back to the Lord. Church attendance would skyrocket as people rediscover their faith in God.

Isn't it about time we burned another witch or even a terrorist at the stake?

It's time to show the world what a beacon for kindness, love and hope we are, by ridding our population of evil people, by torturing them to death in public. Isn't that after all where we are going with this slippery slope?