Bush deploys National Guard Troops to Wall Street

Bush deploys National Guard Troops to Wall Street
The Dissassociative Press
May 17, 2005 - Time 01:11pm

Amid rumours that a bear run is underway in Wall street, President Bush has sent over ten thousand National Guard Troops to Wall Street to help subdue the bears.

They are being equipped with tranquilizer guns, that are designed to spray high velocity darts into herds of the angry beasts. Once the bears are subdued, they will be humanely caged and shipped to Russia, where they will be taught to sing and dance.

In a press conference today, Mr. Bush said, "I know that everyone is worried about the bear market. Well we are a nation of laws. And there is no law protecting the sanctity of a bear market. We don't even know if these bears even entered America legally. And that is a great problem for unity governments that respect and love the principles of freedom against terrorism. I have authorized a war on the bear markets. We will send a strong signal to bear markets everywhere that they will not be tolerated. Where ever bears may be found, buying and selling bear market goods, Americans will be there, spreading hope and democracy through the use of any means necessary to our disposal.

The American people deserve the knowledge that our borders are protected from bears. That bears will not be welcome in our homes, or in our businesses or in the hallowed halls of our financial institutions.

Stephen Colbert first alerted me to this bear problem at a recent White House event. I took his words to heart, I heard, I decided. And will not rest until we spread freedom and democracy to every corner of the globe, where bears now hold sway.

A good friend of mine, you probably know him too, wrote an account of a bear trained to rape our wimmin. The words that Scooter Libby wrote about that awful event are etched in my mind and scribbled on the wall in my library, next to where I keep a roll of writing paper.

I want to send a message to bears everywhere, you will have no rest. You will not be allowed to hibernate. There will be no peace in this fight, as long as I am President.

Thank you."

In a Q&A session afterwards, President Bush did not rule out the use of tactical nuclear weapons, to halt the expansion of the current bear run on the markets.